A Lover's Thoughts on the Nature of Innocence

With virginity’s claims upon my soul, I stand in awe of momentary longing.
Speaking as one whose past shows multiple glimmerings of lust and desire, I fight to keep my head above the flood of my misgivings.
With wanton zeal, I portray the innocent as I watch the tide slipping away from me.
Who is to know what path each of us could be destined for?
Does God know? Do I even believe in God anymore?
I know it is not I who knows.
For if it were “for me to know and you to find out”, I would not currently feel so ill at ease.
Simple childhood taunts make me feel clever during nights like these.
I look up at you, from beneath you…
Not physically, as my flesh would crave, but from the depths of my insecurities and former scars…
Unknowingly, I created a hollowness deep within myself.
In the past I filled that void with the unfair and uninvited expectations of men and the unfortunate broken hearts of the naïve boys who tried to rush in and save me from my decent.
I filled that chasm with the pretentious souls of other women, similar to me, but not me.
I have sent those souls away.
I now face reality without the affectations of the mask.
But without the mask I do not know how to bleed love from your veins…or from mine.
Without the mask I do not know how to create in you a craving for my flesh.
In a way, I am a child again…innocent and insecure.
I wait for the sound of your voice with forgiving impatience and dream of the taste of your mouth,
The feel of your hands.
To kiss as an innocent…
So many years, so many wounds, since I last kissed in that state.
I would gladly fall again and lose my innocent garden to know you are near.
Would you be the end of my innocence?
Or would I be the end of yours?
Would you in some way become the final nail in the coffin of my past or the window to my brighter future?
How would that change me?
Could we not love as innocents and recreate Eden with the purity of our honesty?
Could we speak as equals and live as one?
Would I sacrifice a part of myself to become part of you?
Or would I gain of you what I lose of myself and in you find the reflection of such sharing?