Damn You, Brandon

Things were never “that way” between us.
Things were never the way that people would assume things would be
Between two people who obviously cared about one another,
Who spent every available second together,
Who teased one another the way he and I often did.
Between two people who came alive in the other’s presence.
Between two people who found so much mutual comfort in physical contact with the other.

Things were never “that way”.
I often wish they had been...for reasons more than just romance or desire...
Honestly, he might have been easier to get over…
If he had just been a random set of hands,
Soft lips set in an easy going smile,
Disheveled auburn hair,
Mischievous cobalt eyes,
Strong but slender arms…
If I could take him apart and replace him bit by bit.
If I could reduce him to his parts,
Reduce what we had to a simple crush
Or a friendship tinged with lust.

No… Unfortunately, he is not that forgettable.
He was…remarkable…different…complex.
He was a person whose actions I could never completely predict….
He was a labyrinth…a puzzle I could never totally solve.
Maybe that was what I found so fascinating…
He surprised me once in awhile.
I couldn’t easily see through his actions,
Into his mind….and into his soul.
I would have given anything for evidence that I had finally reached his heart.
I still don’t know if I ever did.
Was I a distraction?
Something to pass the time until he could leave?
Was I a backup plan?

I’ve never mourned a relationship the way I mourned losing him.
The day he left I was changed on a chemical level.
So many things happened that year to change me…but losing him was what cemented the change.
I went to bed and simply… I just could not get up…for days…weeks…
I went back to living eventually, after a time, but more like an automaton than a real person.
My body was where responsibility dictated it had to be…but my heart was gone…
It was left broken on the cold tile floor of the front hall, where he hugged me and said goodbye.
Without even a farewell kiss on my long-neglected lips.
A part of me crawled into the fetal position and died that day.

Occasionally he comes to visit his family and apparently I fit into that description.
When he first came back I couldn’t get over my anger…
I was cold.
I spent the time with him but I didn’t reach for him…
I didn’t speak unless it was absolutely necessary.
I knew that if I allowed him back in that I couldn’t take losing him again…I just wasn’t that strong anymore.

The second time he came home I decided that I had to take what little I was given, enjoy it and forget about how bad it would be for me when he left.
For that short week, things were as they always were…
But they didn’t progress…

Can you stay in one place for so long without stagnating, without the taste turning bitter?

For one week I went back in time and then, bereft of his company, I went back to my lonely present.
He went back to his life and forgot about the woman who loves him.
And I did my best not to think of the man that will never love me enough.

I still don’t know…
Does he care for me at all?
Was I just a distraction?
Is he waiting for something?
Does he foolishly think I’m still waiting for him?
Was it the pain in his past that held him aloof towards a future with me?
Or was he just one more guy using me for my warmth?
Will I ever be able to completely live past the tragedy of not being loved enough?
Do I ever want to?

I look into my niece’s blue eyes, the color so similar to his…in a face so like mine…
And I melt in awe and sadness…My joy turns to ashes…bitter in taste…
A little more of me dies…
For the friend who refused to see me as anything else…
For the love that will never be completely mine…
For the family I’ll never have…

I wish I could shake the vision of the future I saw the first time his mother hugged me.
I saw him, dressed in hospital scrubs, showing his mother…and my mother…their grandchild for the first time…
A child that now I’ll never have…never get to know…that I’ll never get to love, teach and discipline.
And I have to live with that,
And he’ll forget me regardless.
Damn you, Brandon.